you look like your soul

                                          Kaytra, me, Brett. About to head into the caves!

This past week has been pretty crazy. Beginning with a funeral and ending with a wedding. There have been many emotions being felt and it was hard to sort through it all. But if I can come to one conclusion, it’s that we look like our souls. 

On June 6, I received the news that my friend Brett who I had met on my trip to Israel in 2012 had passed away while serving the Lord on what was supposed to be a seven month mission trip to Asia in which they would be extreme backpacking- smuggling Bibles into closed countries. On the last day of their two week training, Brett was running a 10k when he collapsed and died from a heat stroke. 

Earlier that day he said he didn't want to die in his sleep in old age but he wanted to die fighting and serving the Lord. That's exactly what happened. The only thing that they found on his person that day was a verse. Philippians 3:12-14, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus had made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Despite the hard training they were enduring, his teammates said Brett never took the smile off his face.

I woke up at 5am Monday morning so I could meet my good friend Heather from ORIGINS in Lawrence, Kansas and we were going to forge the trip to Indiana together. It was so nice to see her and very thankful I had her to ride with. We had a 10 hour drive so we were able to catch up and talk about how we were feeling about Brett. It was good to be able to talk with someone who actually knew him and was in the same place as me. 

                                   I threatened to throw that rock at his head if he sang "Only a Boy Named David" one more time

We made it to the visitation in Middlebury, Indiana around 7:15pm. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do was see Brett’s body. He just didn’t look like him. He wasn’t smiling. It really is amazing how you really don’t look like your body. You look like your soul. His soul was beautiful. He was always smiling; full of adventure, joy and laughter. But seeing his body without his soul just solidified it all for me. And what a joy to know his soul is in heaven. Smiling, laughing and praising Jesus. 

 

I am so thankful that God worked out this trip. Jennifer, her sister Kimberly, and Heather made it all possible for me and for that I am grateful. The funeral was on Tuesday morning at 9am and I started crying before the funeral even started. The service was beautiful. We sang “It is Well” which has been such an impactful song for me. All I could think about was singing that song with him on the Sea of Galilee and how that song always got to me during the choir tour in Ireland. 

It’s amazing how you bond with people over one month. I only spent one month with Brett in Israel and kept up with him over facebook these past two years. But there was a bond that we had that was different than any other friendships. There was just something about that ORIGINS group in 2012 that impacted my life in such a different way. 

As much as I knew about Brett, his funeral grew my appreciation for him even more. I just loved everything they said about Brett. It was really inspiring. He truly lived for Christ and was an example for all. They read some of his journal entries and I just loved when he said he didn’t want to get caught up in the mundane of the world. He didn’t just want to live for Friday. There’s so much more than that. Brett has inspired me to make my own goals. One of them the same as his. Stop living for Friday. 

 

If I died today would I be remembered as Brett was? During the sermon, it was said that old couples eventually start to look and talk like each other because they spend so much time with one another. Have I been conforming to the image of Christ? When people see me do they just see me… or can they see Jesus?

These are some of the questions that Brett has inspired me to wrestle with because this is how he lived. Brett was a role model and best friend. He truly looked like Jesus. I can only aspire to live the same way. I don’t want to live a mundane life. I want to live a life as Brett did. Constantly fighting to share the light of Christ in a dark world.

Ewige Freude- everlasting joy. Even among the sorrow we can have joy in the hope of Christ.

                                                                My 2012 ORIGINS group.

 I made it back from Indiana just in time to go to my good friend’s wedding. The wedding was absolutely adorable. Navy blue and coral and Allie looked like a princess from a movie. As soon as she walked in the door both her and her now husband, Ethan, started crying. The ceremony was beautiful. It was set up like a worship service. The reception was tons of fun, I got to see people from college… but what was truly beautiful was the way you could see their love for each other. 

 

You could see their souls. The love just poured out from them. Not only for each other, but for their Savior and for their family and friends.

In life, we have the opportunity to show love in many ways. Brett was serving in Asia before he died. Allie’s starting a new life with her husband.

In both of these situations I see life. I will never understand why Brett’s life had to be so short or why Allie and Ethan happened to fall in love after a blind date. These things will never be understood. But what I can see is the way that they have lived their lives. It’s all for love.

I am forever thankful for having these people in my life. I have learned much just by observing the way they live and how they treat others. The way they allow God to mold them into who he wants them to be.

As I start preparing to head to the mission field, my prayer is the same.

That I don’t look like my body, but I look like my soul. And when people see my soul, they see Jesus.

my body image confession

Truth #1: I know that I am beautiful.

Truth #2: I do not always feel beautiful.

It’s a funny thing how things always line up. Like, while in class we were talking about the Holy Spirit and then suddenly things about the Holy Spirit kept coming up.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about body image.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I decided to step on the scale and realized I had gained a couple pounds. Seriously, no big deal. Yet, the number kept crawling into my mind. I’ve been super busy this semester and I’ve sacrificed my workout time and I probably haven’t been eating the best that I could have. I did “really well” last semester, lost a couple pounds and got so many compliments so I wanted to do the same this semester but I let it slip. And today, my “failure of being beautiful” lie kept creeping in. The exact prayer out of my prayer journal yesterday said,

“Jesus, help me not to be consumed with my body image. I am discouraged. Yes, I can be concerned- I want to take care of my body- but I don’t want it to affect my confidence or my self-worth. My value doesn’t come from a number on the scale- it comes from being the daughter of the King.”

Later that day, I picked up our school newspaper the Threefold Advocate and there on the front page is the headline “Students unwrap Victoria Secret reality.” That very night there was an art exhibit to spread awareness about beauty and culture through a photo gallery that portrayed images of John Brown University women imitating images of Victoria Secret’s lingerie models. They quoted, “We all know that beauty is on the inside, but actually believing it is really different.”

I decided to attend the exhibit and I think it is exactly what I needed. There were these pictures of JBU women, real and unphotoshopped, next to these “beautiful” models. Yet, the exhibit was so encouraging because there were also quotes from the JBU women who modeled. They talked about the struggles of the process but also how they still realized that they cannot compare themselves to these models. And not only that, but that these pictures were only “snapshots” into their lives. Not just the JBU women but of the Victoria Secret models as well. There is so much more to each of those women.

Beauty’s definition in our culture comes from comparison and it is comparison that robs our joy. Since when does the Victoria’s Secret model get to claim the definition of beauty? She is beautiful. And we, who are flawed and scarred with messy hair and pimples, yes, we are beautiful. And no, we are not just beautiful on the inside. Though this is true. But we are made in God’s image. In his perfect image. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

This means that we are not only beautiful on the inside. We can’t just be told that we are beautiful on the inside. Yes, this is obviously more important than our outward appearance, but it is so important to be told that we are beautiful on the outside. Even if we don’t live up to culture’s definition, we need to be reminded that culture does not define beauty. We are beautiful. With our scrawny legs, big thighs, big or flat butt, freckles, curly and frizzy hair… it doesn’t matter. We are physically beautiful. Every single one of us.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe with all my heart that inner beauty is more important. But I think sometimes we overemphasize this importance so much that we ignore outer beauty all together. The problem is, I do think we women believe that we are beautiful on the inside. But that doesn’t help the fact that we still struggle with outer appearance. We know we’re beautiful on the inside, yet we still think we’re ugly on the outside. Yes, we need to keep emphasizing inner beauty, but I think to an extent, we need to talk about outer beauty too. We need to tell our girls that they are not only beautiful on the inside, but on the outside as well.Just as we are.

I had a friend one time who struggled with attractiveness. This person asked another whether or not they were attractive. The other person responded that they were beautiful on the inside. This is a lovely compliment, and yes, inner beauty is so much more important, but at this moment in time, this person was not looking for a compliment on their inner beauty. They needed a reminder that they were beautiful on the outside.

I think sometimes we have a fear of sounding shallow when we focus on outer appearance. And, if this is all we focus on, we are in danger of that. But I honestly think that knowing we are beautiful on the outside is just as important. We are God’s beautiful creation. He created us beautiful. Inside and out.

I find patterns in my life in which I make physical appearance a joke. I’ll joke about being fat and loving food, etc. And other people make jokes too. In all honesty, that is OK. I don’t mind. It really is funny and I know we’re all just having a good time. But sometimes I start hearing these jokes more than I hear the truth. And at the end of the day, when I lie down in bed, it’s the jokes that replay in my head and not the truth.

In all honesty, I really do love food. I mean, if you know me, you know that’s true.

In all honestly, sometimes I use food as a hiding place. I laugh and joke and eat because I want to hide the insecurity I feel inside. If people see me eat a lot, then they would never think that I am insecure about my body image. Obviously, only people who don’t want to eat are the ones who are concerned about their body image. But no, that’s not always true. Not for me, anyway.

So, here it is, out in the open. My body image confession.

I know that I am beautiful.

But that’s not always how I feel.

I am a fairly confident person. This isn’t something that I struggle with daily and it doesn’t consume me. I don’t necessarily care what others think of me.

But there are a lot of insecurities that I haven’t dealt with.

I don’t share this with you for any other reason than that I know from experience that people’s stories are powerful. I want to share just a bit of my story with you because I know that I am not alone. What good is my story if I don’t share it? Vulnerability creates community. I believe that with all my heart.

So let’s be vulnerable with each other. It’s here where our journey can begin.

PS: Ladies and men, when someone compliments you, accept it. Don’t shrug it off or deny it. Accept it. Believe it.

You are beautiful.

My God, My Sweets

I have this problem, I am sorry to say.

I love to eat.

Not only do I love to eat, but I love to eat things that are not good for me.

It’s a problem.

I have another problem.

Today, my housemate Lauren and I were talking about what we should give up for Lent and I said, “Well, I mean, I want it to be a challenge, but I just can’t give up sweets, cheese, meat, caffeine, or technology.” Wow, talk about a comprehensive list.You can see how much it's worth to me.

And then I realized how much I rely on these things. Especially sweets- instead of God. It’s actually a really weird thing to say… that I rely on sweets over God, but I’m being totally serious.

When I’ve had a bad day, I rely on sweets to make me feel better. I mean, girls, I know you agree, there’s nothing better than crying over a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.

When I’ve had a good day, I rely on sweets for celebration. Again, nothing better than going out for some chocolate cake to celebrate a good day.

When I’m bored, I rely on sweets. I sit there, thinking about nothing, I’m not even hungry, yet I grab my little bag of brownie bites.

Seriously, it’s a problem.

And as I walked through Ash Wednesday as just another average day, I told myself, “I’m just no good at this Lent thing. So, maybe I just won’t do it, I mean, I don’t do it every year, it’s fine.” But there was just something nudging me inside. Don’t you hate that? I mean, it’s like the Holy Spirit is trying to talk to me or something… oh wait.

So, I did a little bit of research to try and find the deeper meaning for why I should give up something for Lent. Millions of Christians around the world do it, so maybe there’s something to this whole thing that I’m missing.

I found that Lent is a time of prayer and fasting- a time to meditate on what God gave up for us. When I say I want to give up sweets, it’s not so that I can work on losing weight and eating healthier. It’s a representation of what God gave up. Obviously my love for sweets comes nothing close to God’s love for Jesus, but throughout these 40 days (I know it’s 46 days until Easter, but Sundays don’t count!) every time I am craving some sweets, that’s when I need to switch my focus.

When I’ve had a bad day and all I want is to cry over a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, that is when I need to meditate on what God gave up for me. You know, my bad day just won’t seem that bad after all. I don’t need sweets to make me feel better, I need Jesus.

When I’ve had a good day and all I want is to celebrate over some chocolate cake, that is when I need to meditate on what God gave up for me. Suddenly, my day has gotten even better when I remember God’s grace. I don’t need sweets to celebrate, I need Jesus.

When I’m bored and all I want is to grab my little bag of brownie bites to give me something to do, I need to meditate on what God gave up for me and suddenly, I think I’ll want to do something a little more meaningful with my time. I don’t need sweets to give me meaning, I need Jesus.

As most of you know, my love for sweets is above and beyond. It’s an extreme addiction. I think this will be a challenge for me. (Luckily, I can still eat sweets on Sundays, so at least I won’t be risking mental depression… haha just kidding… maybe). But I am determined to stay committed to this until Easter and to help me focus on what is really important. I give up sweets because God gave up so much for me. This is literally the bare minimum of what I can do to help remind me of how blessed we are to have such a wonderful and loving God who chose a beautiful redemptive plan for us.

Mia Thermopolis and I

It’s about love. Love is what lead me to where I am and is leading to me to where I am going.

To give some background, most of you know I had the opportunity to intern at an organization called “Trans World Radio” (TWR) this summer in Cary, North Carolina. What most of you don’t know is that originally I had wanted to intern at the headquarters in South Africa. After much thought and consideration, the decision was made to accept an intern position here in the States. Little did I know that a few months later I would be accepted into a full time position with the TWR headquarters in South Africa.

The thing is, I don’t believe in coincidences. Everything that has happened in my life thus far has prepared me for this decision. When considering this opportunity, I realized that there were only two things holding me back from saying yes: money and fear.

Then I thought about all of these “coincidences” and opportunities that I’ve had that have prepared me and encouraged me and lead me to TWR. And I realized, what I have I got to lose? God has instilled in me a desire for different cultures and a desire to travel. I want to use these desires in a practical way that I believe God is leading me.

TWR is an amazing ministry that I have not only grown to love but is a place where I can use my skills and give me a purpose that I love. TWR is a multinational evangelical Christian media distributor- the largest Christian media organization in the world. I will be working with a ministry of TWR called Project Hannah. Project Hannah is a women’s ministry that desires to break the lie that a woman is worthless. Project Hannah offers compassion, encouragement and hope to suffering women worldwide through prayer, awareness and radio programming.

Another fun fact that many of you know is that I love Mia Thermopolis from Princess Diaries. In fact, she is my movie character twin. I was watching this movie just the other night and was able to really relate to her speech when she accepts her position as princess. Now, obviously, I am not accepting the position as princess. I mean, pretty much the opposite. But one thing she says is,

“If I cared about the other 7 billion people out there instead of just me, that’s probably a much better use of my time.”

In order to truly care about the other people in the world, God has called us to take risks. Not because he enjoys seeing us struggle, but because he wants us to know we can’t do it on our own. And through that, others will see his light shine through us. Isn’t that what life is about? Risk taking. Taking chances. Because it’s not about me. Sure, I can stay home and work but for me personally, I would choose that for comfort and security. I would be settling for something that I know is within my grasp.

TWR- this is big. It’s a big vision and with that is big commitment. Of course I wonder if something is going to happen, and raising support will come with a challenge. But my mission is already in progress and I can’t put off this opportunity. Because the next thing I know, I’ll be 55 and wonder why I never went. Now is the time. I am young and single and without excuse. What is my excuse to stay? Fear? There’s a quote that says, 

“Frozen in fear, you avoid responsibility because you think your experience is beyond your control. This stance keeps you from making decisions, solving problems, or going after what you want in life.”

That’s not what I want, and I don’t believe that is what God wants for me. I want to love people. That is all I want in life. To love people so that they may feel the love of God and to meet them where they are. Enough with politics. People are so caught up in what’s right and what’s wrong and of course that’s important but God’s law says to LOVE and when is it right to stop loving someone because they are lost? I choose to not judge people just because they sin differently from me.

My decision is to go. Because I can’t stand to remain in comfort because I’m concerned about money or fear. I choose to go in love.

I still have a long way to go and I appreciate all the prayer I can get. After graduation, I still have college loans to pay back, so I will need to be working full time in order to pay those back. Because of this, I will not be able to focus as much time on support raising that I need. If you could pray for this whole “paying off loans/support raising” process, that would be wonderful. I know this will be a challenge. I feel a sense of urgency in getting this process finished with as fast as possible, which will be hard. But I know God is with me and I know that I could never do it without the support and encouragement from you. Thank you so much for continuing to walk with me on this journey!

If you have any questions, or if you’d just like to chat, please feel free to send me an email at rachjoy@comcast.net. I would love to talk with you more about this opportunity God has blessed me with!

Perspective

A little more than a year ago, I was sitting on a beach in Ecuador. For three and a half months I was surrounded by people from all over who all had a unique relationship with God. One thing that I learned there was that I was lacking a unique relationship with God myself. Sure, I had a relationship, but it was dull. There was something missing.

One of my classes was called Spiritual Formation in which we had to do activities such as reading the Bible every day, or fasting for 24 hours, or spending four hours in silence and solitude. All things that should be a habit, yet I was doing none of those things. I also observed as one of the other girls there read her Bible every day. She always had challenges against God and questions that would only draw her closer in her relationship with him.

I realized I was missing one of the most important aspects of a unique relationship with God-- reading the Bible. I mean, it was so simple. Someone who had been a Christian her whole life had heard it over and over again, “if you want to be close with God, you must read your Bible and pray.” Yet, every time I brushed it off. Yeah, yeah, whatever. But while in Ecuador, I realized just how true that statement really is. So, however cliché you want to see this, my New Year’s Resolution was to read the Bible in a year. Today, I finished my last chapter. And how rewarding it feels! I feel so much closer to God than I ever have- as I have never been a regular Bible reader. I never understood when people said they “anticipated” having quiet time with God. Honestly, it was always something I thought wasn’t worth the time. I am a busy person after all. That was exactly my problem.

I’ve been reading a book called “Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God.” Honestly, starting Christmas break I was a little bit angry. I was angry that I couldn’t hear the voice of God. I was reading all these stories about how people just “knew” that God was telling them something. They read something in the Bible that spoke to them. They heard God’s voice in prayer. And I’m sitting here, waiting for God to tell me something, and I’ve got nothing. I mean, I think I hear stuff, but how do I know that it’s God talking me? How do I know I’m not just talking to myself? Upon reading this book, I realized I had a very self-centered perspective on God’s will for my life. I realized I have been so busy attempting to do things for God, I had not spent time enjoying fellowship with God. There’s a passage in the book that really changed my perspective.

“’What is God’s will for my life?’ is not the best question to ask. The better inquiry is, ‘What is God’s will?’ Because people are naturally self-centered, we tend to view the whole world- even God’s activity- in terms of our own lives. Of course, we want to know what we should do and how events will affect us. But that is actually an inverted life-perspective. Once I know God’s will, then my life gains its proper perspective, and I can adjust my life to Him and to His purposes. In other words, what is it that God is purposing to accomplish where I am? Once I know what God is doing, then I see what I should do.

My focus needs to be outward on God and His purposes, not inward on my life.”

Wow. As I was reading, it hit me that this doesn’t come without a relationship. I cannot do any of this in my own strength, but only through seeking his will and becoming involved where he is already working. God will equip us! I’ve had a very self-centered approach to spiritual gifts. I’ve always thought we were given a certain spiritual gift and then I can choose a ministry that suits me according to that gift. But in fact, the common pattern God has used in the Bible is that first he gives a task, and then a gift in order to accomplish that task.

“Your focus should be on God living His life through you to accomplish His purposes. When you concentrate on a particular gift you receive in order to do something for God, your attention is usually on self rather than on God.”

God gives us gifts for certain tasks. What my gift is right now is for a task that he has given me at this time. But it doesn’t mean that I should eliminate all opportunities that don’t fall in my “gift expertise.” Whatever God calls me to do, he will equip me.

It all depends on my love relationship with him and my obedience to his call. That is the single most important thing in life. We must stop living for time or else we will miss the ultimate purpose for creation. If we are to be God-centered instead of self-centered it is a daily denial of self and submission to God. “When you’re God-centered, even the desires to do things that please God come from God’s stirring in your heart.”

How can I be sure that I am distinguishing God’s desire from my own? How can I be sure that my desires are his? I’m still seeking. I’m still trying to figure out whether “opened and closed” doors exist or if they’re an analogy to find an easy way out. But I do know that the key to finding these things out is a relationship with God. I think of George Mueller, a spiritual hero of mine, and think about his relationship with God.

I know I need to slow down. I am in a rush to know all the answers. If I am worried about deception I just need to remember, “I’m determined not to focus on Satan- he is defeated. Christ, who guides me and implements His will through me, is the victor.”

I am listening. I am waiting. God has promised to be my guide, and he will not fail me. I absolutely love the lyrics in the song “Oceans” by Hillsong. “You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand… Your grace abounds in deepest waters, your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you’ve never failed and you won’t start now…”

I’m still learning what it looks like to trust without borders. I’m still learning what it looks like to go deeper than my feet could ever wander. To be fully in the presence of my Savior.

This break has been very encouraging. Meeting up with friends who will challenge me and encourage me. And now, having time by myself every morning. As you know, I’m an extremely extroverted person and love being around people at all times. But these days of being alone have been so beneficial for me as I prepare to go to my TWR orientation to decide whether to commit to a position there. I will be headed to Cary, North Carolina next week, so I would appreciate your prayers as I take the next step to making this decision. From there I embark on my last semester at JBU.

While being here alone and really meditating on the song “Oceans” and really surrendering to trust without borders, the song “God of Justice” came to mind. The chorus of this song goes, “We must go live to feed the hungry, stand beside the broken, we must go; Stepping forward, keep us from just singing, move us into action, we must go.”

Whether I commit to TWR and go somewhere internationally, maybe South Africa… or whether I decide to stay here in Erial, NJ… or whether I find myself somewhere that hasn’t even come up yet, I know that this is God’s mission. Wherever I find myself, there is always someone who is hungry and broken. Wherever I am, I can’t just sing in church, but I must go and seek those who are in need. Those who are in need of love.

I love the quote from the movie “Love, Actually.” It goes, “Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there- fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge- they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”

So get out there and show that to all people. Encourage them. There is love.

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

Break my heart for what breaks yours.

I was warned that this was a dangerous prayer. I rolled my eyes and thought, “I love people. I don’t want people to go to hell. I wish there was something I could do, but there’s not.”

Some prayer, huh? I prayed this prayer pretty consistently over this past year. And each time, I broke a little more. Though it started off as a shrug of the shoulders, it has been molding into something bigger than I could imagine.

I have never been more emotional now than I have in my life. And that is saying a lot. Honestly, I am like crying all the time. God has broken me from the inside out for what is breaking His heart. There is so much in this world that breaks God’s heart. It’s hitting me hard. Slowly, over this past year, my heart has been broken more and more.

I have had struggles within myself and I have had struggles trying to understand so much in this world that I just cannot comprehend.

But what my heart is truly breaking for is His people. His people internationally and in America who are living each day without experiencing Christ’s love.

And I am sitting here in my comfortable home complaining about the homework I have to do for my education that I have been blessed with, and complaining about not having money because I spent it all on fast food.

God is slowly molding my heart to truly break for His people. To not just sit on my couch and wish I could do something more. But to actually do something. To experience true worship with God. To experience true communion. To truly love myself. To experience true prayer. To experience true love.

I am broken. I am unequipped. And that is what God uses to reach out to the broken and unequipped people in this world.

I want to share my heart with those of you who read this (Because obviously if you’re reading this, then you care… and if you’ve read this far, then you REALLY care… haha).

For those of you who don’t know, I have applied to return to TWR as a full-time missionary. I have not committed to anything yet, but I have had several interviews. Lots of questions run through my head… Oh my glob, I have so many college loans to pay back. Gosh, that’s a lot of support I have to raise. How is this ever going to be possible?

And that’s where I need to stop my thoughts in their tracks. No. This is what I’m supposed to do. I cannot see myself anywhere else but serving God’s people and showing love to those who need it. I have a desire to hear people’s stories and to truly care for them. God has given me a burden and I know this is where He is leading me.

If that is where God is leading me, He will provide. I don’t have to question it.

Honestly, I have no idea how these loans are going to be paid. Honestly, I don’t know how all of my support money will be raised. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to Ireland with the Cathedral Choir Mission in May to serve through music. Honestly, I don’t know where I’ll be, how I’ll cope with being away from friends and family, transitioning out of college and getting a job while I’m paying off loans and raising support. Honestly, I have no idea how it’s going to happen.

Yet, I somehow have peace. I am filled with an overwhelming peace and joy knowing that God will provide. And that He will provide through His people. Like you, or maybe someone I haven’t even come across yet. But I know He will provide and I don’t have to worry or be scared because God cares for His children. Things will work together for good.

And with that, for those few dedicated readers, all I ask from you now is to please pray for me. I have many decisions I need to make and I have so much on my plate that I need to do, it is easy to get overwhelmed. Pray that I have wisdom and pray that somehow, in someway, a way for my passion to be met will be made. Pray that I will not doubt God’s power to do the impossible.

Thanks, God bless. And please, if you need prayer for anything at all, let me know. 

Bruises

I have been so humbled this summer. Humbled not only by learning of my self-absorption and my self-consciousness but humbled by the people around me.

I am humbled by the way I have seen Christ flowing through so many people’s lives. I don’t want to live the way I have. When people see my life, I don’t want them to see my accomplishments or even the way that I am “happy” or that I’ve done a lot of "cool" stuff, I want them to see Jesus. I want people to long for something that this world can’t satisfy.

All this time I have been trying to seek humility by focusing on things that I should or should not do. This is the opposite of what humility is because I am still focusing on myself. Humility is when my focus is centered on Christ and loving his people. It has nothing to do with me.

One person whom I have been blown away by is my friend from school, Serenity. You can visit her blog at http://authentiquesoul.com/. I can’t explain to you the experiences she’s had this summer, but if you get the chance, read it! She has now dropped everything… she’s dropped out of school, sold all she owns and is dedicating her life to full time missions and is currently attending a bootcamp for missions.

My friend Anna here at TWR. She always tell me, “Anything good of me is because of the Lord.” And Melissa who always reminds me of the perfect peace of the Lord.

I could go on and on. I’ve been stopped in my tracks as I have realized in my efforts of being humble, I have only made myself more self-centered. It is not about what I do for God but what I do with him- it is about working together with the Savior and giving up my control of what I think I should be doing for God. It's not about what I can do for God because it is still me focusing on what I can do on my own. It's about pouring into others with God because it is only with him that anything is possible. 

Obviously, mistakes are always going to be made. But Scott, another intern here, reminded me of something so important. The fact that I try, does not mean it was a failed attempt. When a baby takes it’s first step, it is more of a stumble. The baby falls on its face right away. Yet, the parents are taking pictures, recording a video and posting their baby’s first failed attempt at walking all over the web. It is a celebration, even though, in fact, the baby did not succeed at anything at all. But it is the first step toward something great. Soon, that first failed attempt will turn into walking.

When I take a step towards God, and stumble over myself and end up tripping myself and falling on my face, God doesn’t look at me and say, “Wow, what a wasted effort.” But the heavens rejoice! They rejoice at each effort taken and it’s going viral all over heaven. And God doesn’t leave me there on the ground. He is there, just as a Father would be, helping me while I get back up and learn how to walk.

We went hiking on a trail the other day and I realized the reason I fall down so much is because I'm constantly looking around me instead of where I'm going. I kinda have that problem in life too- and I can only thank God that he doesn't let me wander off but he keeps bringing me back into the right direction so I don't get lost in the woods. Hey, I'll most likely keep falling over the roots, but at least I know I'm headed in the right direction.

And you know, we’ve all got bruises from those times that we fell. I have a bruise on my left shin from Ecuador that I don’t know if it will ever go away. I mean, I got this bruise in September and instead of going away it just faded into my leg. I got a bruise just the other day when I literally fell into the car- while getting into it. Don’t ask me how that happens.

But each of these bruises, no matter if I got it on the high ropes course in Ecuador or falling into the car... each bruise holds its own story. It is through stories that we are able to connect with each other. There is not one person in this world that doesn’t have a story and no matter how different our stories are, that is something we have in common. And if we take the time to listen to one another and hear each other’s stories, our bruises really don’t look that ugly.

All this to say, as I am completing my last week here at TWR I can say I have not only learned a ton in the workplace, but I have learned a ton about myself. Learning to love as Jesus loved is a lifetime journey and I am so grateful that he has brought so many opportunities and people into my life.

These people and this organization have given me glimpses of Jesus. And these mere glimpses are more beautiful than anything I have ever seen.

Jesus, Thy Boundless Love to Me

Jesus, Thy boundless love to me, No thought can reach, no tongue declare;

O knit my thankful heart to Thee, And reign without a rival there!

Thine wholly, Thine alone, I am; Be Thou alone my constant flame.

O grant that nothing in my soul, 

May dwell but Thy pure love alone;

O may Thy love possess me whole, 

My joy, my treasure, and my crown!

All coldness from my heart remove; 

May every act and thought be love.

O Love, how gracious is Thy way! All fear before Thy presence flies;

Anguish, and sorrow melt away, where-e’er Thy healing beams arise.

O Jesus, nothing may I see, nothing desire or seek but Thee.