my body image confession

Truth #1: I know that I am beautiful.

Truth #2: I do not always feel beautiful.

It’s a funny thing how things always line up. Like, while in class we were talking about the Holy Spirit and then suddenly things about the Holy Spirit kept coming up.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about body image.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I decided to step on the scale and realized I had gained a couple pounds. Seriously, no big deal. Yet, the number kept crawling into my mind. I’ve been super busy this semester and I’ve sacrificed my workout time and I probably haven’t been eating the best that I could have. I did “really well” last semester, lost a couple pounds and got so many compliments so I wanted to do the same this semester but I let it slip. And today, my “failure of being beautiful” lie kept creeping in. The exact prayer out of my prayer journal yesterday said,

“Jesus, help me not to be consumed with my body image. I am discouraged. Yes, I can be concerned- I want to take care of my body- but I don’t want it to affect my confidence or my self-worth. My value doesn’t come from a number on the scale- it comes from being the daughter of the King.”

Later that day, I picked up our school newspaper the Threefold Advocate and there on the front page is the headline “Students unwrap Victoria Secret reality.” That very night there was an art exhibit to spread awareness about beauty and culture through a photo gallery that portrayed images of John Brown University women imitating images of Victoria Secret’s lingerie models. They quoted, “We all know that beauty is on the inside, but actually believing it is really different.”

I decided to attend the exhibit and I think it is exactly what I needed. There were these pictures of JBU women, real and unphotoshopped, next to these “beautiful” models. Yet, the exhibit was so encouraging because there were also quotes from the JBU women who modeled. They talked about the struggles of the process but also how they still realized that they cannot compare themselves to these models. And not only that, but that these pictures were only “snapshots” into their lives. Not just the JBU women but of the Victoria Secret models as well. There is so much more to each of those women.

Beauty’s definition in our culture comes from comparison and it is comparison that robs our joy. Since when does the Victoria’s Secret model get to claim the definition of beauty? She is beautiful. And we, who are flawed and scarred with messy hair and pimples, yes, we are beautiful. And no, we are not just beautiful on the inside. Though this is true. But we are made in God’s image. In his perfect image. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

This means that we are not only beautiful on the inside. We can’t just be told that we are beautiful on the inside. Yes, this is obviously more important than our outward appearance, but it is so important to be told that we are beautiful on the outside. Even if we don’t live up to culture’s definition, we need to be reminded that culture does not define beauty. We are beautiful. With our scrawny legs, big thighs, big or flat butt, freckles, curly and frizzy hair… it doesn’t matter. We are physically beautiful. Every single one of us.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe with all my heart that inner beauty is more important. But I think sometimes we overemphasize this importance so much that we ignore outer beauty all together. The problem is, I do think we women believe that we are beautiful on the inside. But that doesn’t help the fact that we still struggle with outer appearance. We know we’re beautiful on the inside, yet we still think we’re ugly on the outside. Yes, we need to keep emphasizing inner beauty, but I think to an extent, we need to talk about outer beauty too. We need to tell our girls that they are not only beautiful on the inside, but on the outside as well.Just as we are.

I had a friend one time who struggled with attractiveness. This person asked another whether or not they were attractive. The other person responded that they were beautiful on the inside. This is a lovely compliment, and yes, inner beauty is so much more important, but at this moment in time, this person was not looking for a compliment on their inner beauty. They needed a reminder that they were beautiful on the outside.

I think sometimes we have a fear of sounding shallow when we focus on outer appearance. And, if this is all we focus on, we are in danger of that. But I honestly think that knowing we are beautiful on the outside is just as important. We are God’s beautiful creation. He created us beautiful. Inside and out.

I find patterns in my life in which I make physical appearance a joke. I’ll joke about being fat and loving food, etc. And other people make jokes too. In all honesty, that is OK. I don’t mind. It really is funny and I know we’re all just having a good time. But sometimes I start hearing these jokes more than I hear the truth. And at the end of the day, when I lie down in bed, it’s the jokes that replay in my head and not the truth.

In all honesty, I really do love food. I mean, if you know me, you know that’s true.

In all honestly, sometimes I use food as a hiding place. I laugh and joke and eat because I want to hide the insecurity I feel inside. If people see me eat a lot, then they would never think that I am insecure about my body image. Obviously, only people who don’t want to eat are the ones who are concerned about their body image. But no, that’s not always true. Not for me, anyway.

So, here it is, out in the open. My body image confession.

I know that I am beautiful.

But that’s not always how I feel.

I am a fairly confident person. This isn’t something that I struggle with daily and it doesn’t consume me. I don’t necessarily care what others think of me.

But there are a lot of insecurities that I haven’t dealt with.

I don’t share this with you for any other reason than that I know from experience that people’s stories are powerful. I want to share just a bit of my story with you because I know that I am not alone. What good is my story if I don’t share it? Vulnerability creates community. I believe that with all my heart.

So let’s be vulnerable with each other. It’s here where our journey can begin.

PS: Ladies and men, when someone compliments you, accept it. Don’t shrug it off or deny it. Accept it. Believe it.

You are beautiful.