dealing with uncertainty

"I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability, limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy and creativity to name a few."

This quote rings true with many of us. Uncertainty may be one of the largest reasons people hold back. It is because of uncertainty that people don't follow their dreams. It is because of uncertainty that people don't tell people how they really feel. It is because of uncertainty that people put up walls and boundaries. It is because of uncertainty that people don't put their ideas out there. 

I am writing today not because I have some "cure" for uncertainty. Uncertainty will always be there and will always be a part of our every day lives. We will never be certain about the things we think we are certain about. In the back of our minds of everything we do, there is always that nagging thought that nothing is definite. There will be always a little bit of doubt in our minds that what we are doing is the wrong thing. 

I'm writing today because this uncertainty at times will control me. I live my life in the fear of uncertainty. I wake up and I say, "It's going to be a great day!" But then uncertainty crowds my minds with "what if" questions and telling me that I'll never be good enough to accomplish the things I need in order to succeed. I become unmotivated and depressed and instead of really trying at life, I find comfort in the cozy chair and watch endless amounts of Netflix. "It doesn't matter," I think. "If I'm not actually going to accomplish anything I should just skip all the strife and start doing where I'm going to end up. On this chair of failure and discontent." 

And among the attacks of uncertainty, we don't listen to the one thing we can be certain in. Christ's love. His whisper is in there if we choose to listen. 

I think we choose to listen to uncertainty because it is easier. It is easier to give up. It is easier to blame our circumstances on things that we don't know. It's easier for us to accept our failures and decide to live a mediocre life. 

If we actually listened to the voice we can be certain in, we would have no choice but to do something. When I hear the voice of Certainty it is saying, "I am certain in  your future. I am certain in your love, belonging, trust, joy and creativity. I am certain that I will be with you when things are bad and when things are good. I am certain that even when it's not OK, I will be taking care of you. I am certain that you will succeed if you follow me." 

Of course, it's not always easy to follow the voice of Certainty because it requires trust. But I would much rather trust in certainty of God's love than the destruction of uncertainty. 

I'm still going to be uncertain about my future. I'm still going to have doubts. But I will not let myself live in these things. Instead, I choose to listen to the voice of Certainty and I know that even when it's not OK, it is well. And instead of letting the loud thoughts destroy me, I will find peace in God's whisper. 




I would like to thank all that are supporting and praying for me in my process of support raising. There is a lot of uncertainty in this process, but it is because of people like you that remind me I can be certain that God is here. 

If you have any questions about my ministry vision and financial goals please email me at rpearson@twr.org. 

crisis averted

i recently had a crisis. not a crisis of faith or anything... just a crisis. I was struggling... in a weird way. I was struggling with the fact that I have never really struggled. 

I kept hearing all of these stories about how people find God in their lowest moments- in their rock bottom. There was some kind of climax in their lives that brought them confirmation and changed their lives. 

whether it was physical like a car accident or an addiction or something traumatic happened or God redirected their plans. or they had a crisis of doubt or thoughts of suicide... 
whatever it was, there was some kind of climax where in the end they found God and they were given a confirmation of where they needed to be and what they should do. 

now, I'm not calling me or my life perfect, but I've never had a climax. I've never hit rock bottom. I haven't made any massive mistakes. nothing traumatic has happened to me. I've even been following a plan for my life that God hasn't changed. 

i wasn't wishing anything bad on myself, and I wasn't wishing for a different story, I just wished I had something. some kind of confirmation that God is using me despite my lack of mistakes and that I'm where he wants me to be. 

everyone says that God's plan is better than my plans. so far, I've been following my plans- I think they're God's plans too, but how do you know? 

I just needed something. I know God is with me, yet I felt like I was walking the road alone. I had faith in God but I didn't have faith in my story. 

I felt like I was just coasting. I didn't know where I was in my own story. 

Lesson #4: We can't all be Pauls. Someone has to be Ananias. 

As the story goes, Paul has an extremely dramatic conversion story. Yet, he still needed Ananias to come, who maybe didn't have such a dramatic story. 

I had a great conversation with a wonderful friend of mine. She helped me realize that all of our stories are significant. Some of us have dramatic conversion stories but some of us need to be the ones to take the scales off their eyes. 

My grandmother has a beautiful conversion story because of a Christian woman who simply shared her story. Both characters are needed to create the story. 

As my lovely friend so wisely stated, "Life doesn't have to be one big life changing moment. More often it's a bunch of little ones that shape who you are as a person and Christian." 

We don't need miracle stories to tell us that God exists. The evidence is all around us! There's evidence in his breathtaking creation. In the mystery of love and amazing friendships. 

Jesus died on the cross for our rock bottoms and Jesus died on the cross so that everyone- even those NOT on rock bottom- could experience his grace in the fact that we are breathing. The fact that we can experience laughter and the enjoyment of doing something great. We are all here for the same purpose and all stories are needed to share the love of Christ to the world. 


And that brings me to my support team highlight of the week: Scott Lantis. 



            Scott surviving as the only guy intern all summer at TWR. 

Scott has an incredible story. I met him last summer as we were both interns at TWR. I cannot imagine that summer without him in it. I have never seen a man eat so many eggs for breakfast or so much chicken for lunch or bring so much laughter to a group. 

But even more than that, his passion for the Lord and for people (and America) was amazing. He inspired me that summer to grab onto something that I am passionate about and to follow it. Scott followed his passions and he is working for the Denver Broncos in Colorado. 

Scott's story is incredible because of how he lives for Christ. It has nothing to do with his circumstances, it has all to do with the way he loves God with all his heart, mind, body and soul. 

I am so glad to have this guy on my team. 


Thanks to all who are praying for and supporting me. If you have any questions about my ministry vision and financial goals, please don't hesitate to email me at rpearson@twr.org. 

Also, check out my ministry video to see what I'll be doing in South Africa! 

stories of a selfless narcissist

You know those moments when you're just sitting there and then suddenly someone says something and you feel like you've been hit with a baseball bat? A revelation hits you and in that one second, everything you ever thought about yourself is changed? 

I had one of those moments yesterday. And it starts with this confession. 

My name is Rachel Pearson, and I am a selfless narcissist. This confession coexists with this new lesson I have learned during the support raising process. What does it look like to be completely and truly selfless. 

I've always liked to think of myself as a selfless person. Someone who cares about other people and sincerely wants to put others before myself. 

But thinking myself as a selfless person and actually being a selfless person is not the same. Yesterday, I realized something about myself. Though I desire to be someone who follows the Philippians 2 version of being selfless... the slap-in-the-face revelation I had was that I am only a selfless person when I want to be. When it's convenient.  

In actuality, I am the most selfish, selfless person I know. 

Let me explain this contradiction. 

I love putting my friends above myself. I care so deeply for them that when I am around them, I can't help but trying to be completely and utterly selfless. I want them to be happy and I want to help them in any way I can. I love doing little acts of kindness for them and encouraging them when they need to be built up. When someone does something nice for me, I love sending them a nice handwritten note and putting in extra effort to help them feel loved. 

But what do I get in return? Well, they do the same for me. I can say with much gratitude, that I can always count on my friends to love me selflessly as well. They encourage me and build me up and return the kindness that I show. 

Am I really a selfless person if I am only putting these people above myself? What about others who may not give me anything in return? 

Philippians 2 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others..."

I must admit that my selflessness is actually motivated out of selfish ambition. I am only selfless around those I love and am loved in return. Jesus commands us to put all others above ourselves. This includes the people I don't love so much. The strangers. The people who annoy me. 

I can't be selfless around those I like and then gossip about the people I don't. This is not genuine selflessness. I will not settle to be a selfless narcissist. I want to have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 

"...who, being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!" 

And this leads me to my next support team highlight of the week: Joe D'Oliviera. 



               Ah, throwback to our ice skating days. 

Joe came on board my support team this past week and I couldn't ask for a better person to exemplify selflessness. 

I met Joe back in my Chick-Fil-A days and I am so grateful that we've been able to keep in touch. In everything he does, he always puts others first. Whether it is a good friend, a stranger or even someone he may not like very much, he is always second and the other is always first. I have learned so much from his humble attitude and his love for people. His big heart shines bright and I am very thankful to have his partnership as I walk on this journey. 

Thank you to all who are supporting and praying for me. 



If you are interested in learning more about my ministry vision and financial goals, please email me at rpearson@twr.org. 

Also, check out my ministry video to learn more about what' I'll be doing in South Africa!

open up your heart

We can all agree that life is hard. Sometimes life is hard even when it doesn't have to be. 

I'm 22... the prime age (or is it?). Ripe out of college, the possibilities are endless. 

So why are all my friends and I stuck in this rut where we find ourselves eating Chipotle burritos asking each other where the heck we're going. We're living at home, growing bitter attitudes at the fact we are enslaved to our college loans and not feeling good enough for the world. 

The stress is eating away at our souls as we eat away at fattening foods and wallow in the fact that our computers are too slow and we've ripped holes in our clothes. 

I wish I was being dramatic. 

But despite the fact that we are all in this in-between space of life, where we are not yet where we want to be because we don't exactly know where we want to be... we can't let this in-between stage stop us in our tracks. 

Lesson #2: Open up your heart and just let it begin. 

Each day is a new beginning... a new opportunity. Each morning that we awake, it doesn't have to be another day of feeling like a failure or another constant worry of where we'll be in the next few months. 

But our hearts must be open. 

My support team highlight of the week is Olivia Mendizabal. 

 
                  Me, Jasmyn and Olivia in Ecuador

I met Olivia when I studied abroad in Ecuador my Junior year of college. She is one of those people that have taught me what it looks like to have an open heart. 

Olivia has jumped on board my support team this week and I am so thankful for her friendship. Even though I haven't seen her since our departure (I will always have the memory of the two of us being stranded in the airport for hours awaiting our delayed plane!) she has still been able to keep in touch through small acts of kindness. Whether it was supporting me when I interned at TWR last summer, or sending a letter when I was working at camp this past summer, she has encouraged me in everything that I have done. 

I still have a little while before I head off to South Africa. There are many obstacles I have to jump over. Paying off loans and raising support is extremely intimidating. But my heart is open. And it's not only open to this process but it's open to the things that God has for me right now. 

I may be in this weird in-between stage, but that doesn't mean I am unimportant. It may seem like I have a unimportant job and that I should be ashamed of the fact I've moved back home. 

But this is not true. God uses you wherever you are and in this stage of life. As we work toward a future goal, we can still be used. God uses us when we purchase a coffee for the homeless friend we pass every day on the way to work. He uses us to be a light in the workplace. He uses us when we encourage a friend. 

Open up your heart and let it begin. 




If you'd like more information about my ministry vision and financial goals, please send me an email at rpearson@twr.org. 

And hey, look! A cool video about my ministry! Three minutes and learn what I'll be doing when I get to South Africa. 



  

Support Team Highlight: Jose Jimenez

Today, I would like to start my new blog series of my Support Raising Adventures. 

For those of you who don't know, I am currently in the process of raising support to work with a media ministry named TWR (Trans World Radio). I will be leaving for South Africa once I am fully funded to work with their women's ministry Project Hannah. I am super pumped and I would love to share more with you about this exciting opportunity. 

A huge part of this blog is going to be highlighting my amazing support team. Going into the support raising process, I was weary. I was fearful of asking people to join my team- until this past week when I started supporting my friend Serenity. It's amazing how much joy you get knowing that you are using what God has given you to reach his beautiful people. 

Being on a support team is knowing that you are a part of something bigger. God is using people in so many ways and it's amazing to know that we can be a part of so many! Whether it is we ourselves going out to the field, or whether we are a part of it through our finances and prayer, we are all needed to complete the task of loving his people all around the world. What an incredible opportunity we have. 

Needless to say, I've heard this is going to be one of the most challenging, yet most rewarding processes I'm going to go through in life and I would love to share with you what I learn as I go. 

Lesson #1: Humility. 

There is nothing more humbling than knowing that you can't do something on your own. I don't know what it is about people, but we get so much pride in knowing we can do something ourselves. I know so many times people have offered to help me and instead of being grateful, I get frustrated. "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" I scream at them. 

And then I can't do it. 

But you know what? That's ok. In fact, it's relieving. I am so relieved that I don't have to go through this process alone. I am so relieved that as I travel to South Africa, I will have an entire team backing me up. Together, God's ministry will be something more than I could ever imagine. Something I could never do alone. 

With that being said, my support team highlight of the week is the wonderful Jose Jimenez. 

 

I could write an essay on this man and all that I have learned from him about how to live and what it means to walk hand in hand with Christ. 

He has gone through so much in his life that I could never imagine going through. Yet, he is gracious and kind. He always puts others first. 

In fact, even though he just this week joined the Friends of Israel ministry and has to start raising his own support, he wanted to be the first to join my support team. 

I am so thankful for the influence he has had on my life and the ways he has inspired me, encouraged me.. for all the hugs when I cried over stupid things, and for his never-ending, unconditional love he has for my family. 

So, Jose, thank you for being the first to join my support team.


If you would like to learn more about my ministry and how you can be a part, you can send me an email at rpearson@twr.org. Thanks! I seriously love you. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For it they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him- a threefold cord is not quickly broken.  

you look like your soul

                                          Kaytra, me, Brett. About to head into the caves!

This past week has been pretty crazy. Beginning with a funeral and ending with a wedding. There have been many emotions being felt and it was hard to sort through it all. But if I can come to one conclusion, it’s that we look like our souls. 

On June 6, I received the news that my friend Brett who I had met on my trip to Israel in 2012 had passed away while serving the Lord on what was supposed to be a seven month mission trip to Asia in which they would be extreme backpacking- smuggling Bibles into closed countries. On the last day of their two week training, Brett was running a 10k when he collapsed and died from a heat stroke. 

Earlier that day he said he didn't want to die in his sleep in old age but he wanted to die fighting and serving the Lord. That's exactly what happened. The only thing that they found on his person that day was a verse. Philippians 3:12-14, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus had made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Despite the hard training they were enduring, his teammates said Brett never took the smile off his face.

I woke up at 5am Monday morning so I could meet my good friend Heather from ORIGINS in Lawrence, Kansas and we were going to forge the trip to Indiana together. It was so nice to see her and very thankful I had her to ride with. We had a 10 hour drive so we were able to catch up and talk about how we were feeling about Brett. It was good to be able to talk with someone who actually knew him and was in the same place as me. 

                                   I threatened to throw that rock at his head if he sang "Only a Boy Named David" one more time

We made it to the visitation in Middlebury, Indiana around 7:15pm. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do was see Brett’s body. He just didn’t look like him. He wasn’t smiling. It really is amazing how you really don’t look like your body. You look like your soul. His soul was beautiful. He was always smiling; full of adventure, joy and laughter. But seeing his body without his soul just solidified it all for me. And what a joy to know his soul is in heaven. Smiling, laughing and praising Jesus. 

 

I am so thankful that God worked out this trip. Jennifer, her sister Kimberly, and Heather made it all possible for me and for that I am grateful. The funeral was on Tuesday morning at 9am and I started crying before the funeral even started. The service was beautiful. We sang “It is Well” which has been such an impactful song for me. All I could think about was singing that song with him on the Sea of Galilee and how that song always got to me during the choir tour in Ireland. 

It’s amazing how you bond with people over one month. I only spent one month with Brett in Israel and kept up with him over facebook these past two years. But there was a bond that we had that was different than any other friendships. There was just something about that ORIGINS group in 2012 that impacted my life in such a different way. 

As much as I knew about Brett, his funeral grew my appreciation for him even more. I just loved everything they said about Brett. It was really inspiring. He truly lived for Christ and was an example for all. They read some of his journal entries and I just loved when he said he didn’t want to get caught up in the mundane of the world. He didn’t just want to live for Friday. There’s so much more than that. Brett has inspired me to make my own goals. One of them the same as his. Stop living for Friday. 

 

If I died today would I be remembered as Brett was? During the sermon, it was said that old couples eventually start to look and talk like each other because they spend so much time with one another. Have I been conforming to the image of Christ? When people see me do they just see me… or can they see Jesus?

These are some of the questions that Brett has inspired me to wrestle with because this is how he lived. Brett was a role model and best friend. He truly looked like Jesus. I can only aspire to live the same way. I don’t want to live a mundane life. I want to live a life as Brett did. Constantly fighting to share the light of Christ in a dark world.

Ewige Freude- everlasting joy. Even among the sorrow we can have joy in the hope of Christ.

                                                                My 2012 ORIGINS group.

 I made it back from Indiana just in time to go to my good friend’s wedding. The wedding was absolutely adorable. Navy blue and coral and Allie looked like a princess from a movie. As soon as she walked in the door both her and her now husband, Ethan, started crying. The ceremony was beautiful. It was set up like a worship service. The reception was tons of fun, I got to see people from college… but what was truly beautiful was the way you could see their love for each other. 

 

You could see their souls. The love just poured out from them. Not only for each other, but for their Savior and for their family and friends.

In life, we have the opportunity to show love in many ways. Brett was serving in Asia before he died. Allie’s starting a new life with her husband.

In both of these situations I see life. I will never understand why Brett’s life had to be so short or why Allie and Ethan happened to fall in love after a blind date. These things will never be understood. But what I can see is the way that they have lived their lives. It’s all for love.

I am forever thankful for having these people in my life. I have learned much just by observing the way they live and how they treat others. The way they allow God to mold them into who he wants them to be.

As I start preparing to head to the mission field, my prayer is the same.

That I don’t look like my body, but I look like my soul. And when people see my soul, they see Jesus.

my body image confession

Truth #1: I know that I am beautiful.

Truth #2: I do not always feel beautiful.

It’s a funny thing how things always line up. Like, while in class we were talking about the Holy Spirit and then suddenly things about the Holy Spirit kept coming up.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about body image.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I decided to step on the scale and realized I had gained a couple pounds. Seriously, no big deal. Yet, the number kept crawling into my mind. I’ve been super busy this semester and I’ve sacrificed my workout time and I probably haven’t been eating the best that I could have. I did “really well” last semester, lost a couple pounds and got so many compliments so I wanted to do the same this semester but I let it slip. And today, my “failure of being beautiful” lie kept creeping in. The exact prayer out of my prayer journal yesterday said,

“Jesus, help me not to be consumed with my body image. I am discouraged. Yes, I can be concerned- I want to take care of my body- but I don’t want it to affect my confidence or my self-worth. My value doesn’t come from a number on the scale- it comes from being the daughter of the King.”

Later that day, I picked up our school newspaper the Threefold Advocate and there on the front page is the headline “Students unwrap Victoria Secret reality.” That very night there was an art exhibit to spread awareness about beauty and culture through a photo gallery that portrayed images of John Brown University women imitating images of Victoria Secret’s lingerie models. They quoted, “We all know that beauty is on the inside, but actually believing it is really different.”

I decided to attend the exhibit and I think it is exactly what I needed. There were these pictures of JBU women, real and unphotoshopped, next to these “beautiful” models. Yet, the exhibit was so encouraging because there were also quotes from the JBU women who modeled. They talked about the struggles of the process but also how they still realized that they cannot compare themselves to these models. And not only that, but that these pictures were only “snapshots” into their lives. Not just the JBU women but of the Victoria Secret models as well. There is so much more to each of those women.

Beauty’s definition in our culture comes from comparison and it is comparison that robs our joy. Since when does the Victoria’s Secret model get to claim the definition of beauty? She is beautiful. And we, who are flawed and scarred with messy hair and pimples, yes, we are beautiful. And no, we are not just beautiful on the inside. Though this is true. But we are made in God’s image. In his perfect image. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

This means that we are not only beautiful on the inside. We can’t just be told that we are beautiful on the inside. Yes, this is obviously more important than our outward appearance, but it is so important to be told that we are beautiful on the outside. Even if we don’t live up to culture’s definition, we need to be reminded that culture does not define beauty. We are beautiful. With our scrawny legs, big thighs, big or flat butt, freckles, curly and frizzy hair… it doesn’t matter. We are physically beautiful. Every single one of us.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe with all my heart that inner beauty is more important. But I think sometimes we overemphasize this importance so much that we ignore outer beauty all together. The problem is, I do think we women believe that we are beautiful on the inside. But that doesn’t help the fact that we still struggle with outer appearance. We know we’re beautiful on the inside, yet we still think we’re ugly on the outside. Yes, we need to keep emphasizing inner beauty, but I think to an extent, we need to talk about outer beauty too. We need to tell our girls that they are not only beautiful on the inside, but on the outside as well.Just as we are.

I had a friend one time who struggled with attractiveness. This person asked another whether or not they were attractive. The other person responded that they were beautiful on the inside. This is a lovely compliment, and yes, inner beauty is so much more important, but at this moment in time, this person was not looking for a compliment on their inner beauty. They needed a reminder that they were beautiful on the outside.

I think sometimes we have a fear of sounding shallow when we focus on outer appearance. And, if this is all we focus on, we are in danger of that. But I honestly think that knowing we are beautiful on the outside is just as important. We are God’s beautiful creation. He created us beautiful. Inside and out.

I find patterns in my life in which I make physical appearance a joke. I’ll joke about being fat and loving food, etc. And other people make jokes too. In all honesty, that is OK. I don’t mind. It really is funny and I know we’re all just having a good time. But sometimes I start hearing these jokes more than I hear the truth. And at the end of the day, when I lie down in bed, it’s the jokes that replay in my head and not the truth.

In all honesty, I really do love food. I mean, if you know me, you know that’s true.

In all honestly, sometimes I use food as a hiding place. I laugh and joke and eat because I want to hide the insecurity I feel inside. If people see me eat a lot, then they would never think that I am insecure about my body image. Obviously, only people who don’t want to eat are the ones who are concerned about their body image. But no, that’s not always true. Not for me, anyway.

So, here it is, out in the open. My body image confession.

I know that I am beautiful.

But that’s not always how I feel.

I am a fairly confident person. This isn’t something that I struggle with daily and it doesn’t consume me. I don’t necessarily care what others think of me.

But there are a lot of insecurities that I haven’t dealt with.

I don’t share this with you for any other reason than that I know from experience that people’s stories are powerful. I want to share just a bit of my story with you because I know that I am not alone. What good is my story if I don’t share it? Vulnerability creates community. I believe that with all my heart.

So let’s be vulnerable with each other. It’s here where our journey can begin.

PS: Ladies and men, when someone compliments you, accept it. Don’t shrug it off or deny it. Accept it. Believe it.

You are beautiful.