stories of a selfless narcissist

You know those moments when you're just sitting there and then suddenly someone says something and you feel like you've been hit with a baseball bat? A revelation hits you and in that one second, everything you ever thought about yourself is changed? 

I had one of those moments yesterday. And it starts with this confession. 

My name is Rachel Pearson, and I am a selfless narcissist. This confession coexists with this new lesson I have learned during the support raising process. What does it look like to be completely and truly selfless. 

I've always liked to think of myself as a selfless person. Someone who cares about other people and sincerely wants to put others before myself. 

But thinking myself as a selfless person and actually being a selfless person is not the same. Yesterday, I realized something about myself. Though I desire to be someone who follows the Philippians 2 version of being selfless... the slap-in-the-face revelation I had was that I am only a selfless person when I want to be. When it's convenient.  

In actuality, I am the most selfish, selfless person I know. 

Let me explain this contradiction. 

I love putting my friends above myself. I care so deeply for them that when I am around them, I can't help but trying to be completely and utterly selfless. I want them to be happy and I want to help them in any way I can. I love doing little acts of kindness for them and encouraging them when they need to be built up. When someone does something nice for me, I love sending them a nice handwritten note and putting in extra effort to help them feel loved. 

But what do I get in return? Well, they do the same for me. I can say with much gratitude, that I can always count on my friends to love me selflessly as well. They encourage me and build me up and return the kindness that I show. 

Am I really a selfless person if I am only putting these people above myself? What about others who may not give me anything in return? 

Philippians 2 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others..."

I must admit that my selflessness is actually motivated out of selfish ambition. I am only selfless around those I love and am loved in return. Jesus commands us to put all others above ourselves. This includes the people I don't love so much. The strangers. The people who annoy me. 

I can't be selfless around those I like and then gossip about the people I don't. This is not genuine selflessness. I will not settle to be a selfless narcissist. I want to have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 

"...who, being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!" 

And this leads me to my next support team highlight of the week: Joe D'Oliviera. 



               Ah, throwback to our ice skating days. 

Joe came on board my support team this past week and I couldn't ask for a better person to exemplify selflessness. 

I met Joe back in my Chick-Fil-A days and I am so grateful that we've been able to keep in touch. In everything he does, he always puts others first. Whether it is a good friend, a stranger or even someone he may not like very much, he is always second and the other is always first. I have learned so much from his humble attitude and his love for people. His big heart shines bright and I am very thankful to have his partnership as I walk on this journey. 

Thank you to all who are supporting and praying for me. 



If you are interested in learning more about my ministry vision and financial goals, please email me at rpearson@twr.org. 

Also, check out my ministry video to learn more about what' I'll be doing in South Africa!