Fear

Fear is a funny thing. Sometimes you don’t really know why you’re scared. It’s just… there. As I prepare to head back to school in less than a week, I realized that I’m scared. I’m scared of how things are going to be different. I know it won’t be the same that it was a year ago. I’m scared of not being able to fit in like I did before, that people will have moved on without me and I just won’t fit in their life anymore. I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle my new busy schedule. That I won’t be as good in my classes as I used to be. I’m not really sure why, but the fear is just there.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m super excited to go back. I’m so excited to see my friends who I miss so much. I’m excited for what this semester has to bring. I’ve never really been one to fear the unknown. To fear the future. “One day at a time!” as I always say. But I guess sometimes it’s inevitable.

It’s just a weird feeling sometimes. I mean, I really don’t feel ready to go back yet. I feel like I just got home. I want to stay here longer. I want to just relax and not have to work and spend time with family and friends here. At the same time, I can’t wait to go back to JBU because it’s just been too long since I’ve been there. I want to see my friends. And then at the same time I am missing Ecuador like crazy. I miss all the friends that I’ve made there. Everything reminds me of something. Of someone. And just having all these emotions at the same time and a longing for a different place is driving me crazy! Sometimes, despite my spontaneous personality and my longing for travel and to explore, just sometimes I wish for a place of permanency. Somewhere that I can call home. I mean, I know that I always have a home here in New Jersey with my family.  But somewhere I can call a place of my very own sounds kinda nice. Somewhere… where that even when I travel and explore, I know there is a place that I can always go back to. Just… home. Not constantly going back and forth going here and there. I know it’ll come and I will be patient for that, it’s just hard sometimes.

I am excited for all the opportunities life has given me. I love that I have grown up in New Jersey and going to college in Arkansas. I love that I got to visit Israel and study in Ecuador. I love that I will be spending two months in North Carolina interning at Trans World Radio. I love exploring new things and learning and going through new challenges. I just wish there was something constant in my life.

And that’s when it hit me. I do have something constant in my life. And that thing is love. I must admit, sometimes I’m not the best at showing love. In fact, I think I’ve probably been going through some reverse culture shock as I have not been doing much. Mostly just been locking myself in my room so that I can watch reruns of Gilmore Girls. And I know that’s not always the best thing to be doing. But something that I can always rely on is even when I’m not the best at showing love is I always have someone showing love to me. My family never gives up on me. I have good friends who will never leave me. I have friends who live miles away who care about me.

But most of all, amidst all the change, I have a God who is always constant. As I said before, things can be scary. And I guess I’ve just been feeling so many emotions lately, my mind has chosen fear to cling to. But I don’t have to be afraid because thank goodness, my God isn’t like that. My God always loves. He will never leave. He will never give up. He always cares. And that’s something that I can always count on. Fear is a choice. I don’t need to choose fear, but I can always choose joy. I can always choose joy for a God who never changes. He will always be guiding me. He is the light in the darkness. And it is because of His love that I can receive love from others. It is because of His love that I can love in return.

So, as the Christmas season is ending and the New Year is beginning, let’s give a toast to the One who has no beginning or end because He has always been there and He always will be. Because He alone is constant. He alone can take our fears and bring light to a life that is wandering.