10/16/12
So, I figured I should give you all an update BEFORE I start
my week-long intensive Worldview class and then go to the Galapagos
Islands… otherwise, you would have one massive post waiting for
you.
Well, I believe I left off with moving into my home-stays
last week. I have now been living with my family for a little over a week, and
I absolutely love them! They are one of the most caring, loving, hilarious
families I have ever met. They have such a great relationship with one another
and they all have such a passion for God. On Saturday morning I had the
opportunity to sit with them during their family devotions which consists of
singing some songs and then all of us taking turns reading from the Bible which
we then discuss after. It was such a great time, even though it was a little
hard because the kids had to keep translating for me!
My schedule is pretty crazy, now that I have started my
internship. I am working there about 25 hours a week, give or take. Plus, Spanish,
Spiritual Formation and Ecuador
250. Also, with my worldview class coming up, we had to read three entire books
(which we all forgot about until this past weekend… let’s just say, after this
semester, I may never want to read another book again!) But, when I get home I
do homework with my little brother Alejandro, who is absolutely hilarious and
makes homework time so much more fun. Ruby, my mama prepares dinner which we
eat a little later at night, so I get to have some family time then and we chat
for a little bit afterwards, until I go up to my room so that I can really
concentrate on getting my homework done and maybe catching up with some people
over facebook.
This past weekend was a holiday, so everyone had Friday off.
I spent a lot of time reading the books for worldview, but it was also nice to
spend some extended time with my family. On Saturday it was Alejandro’s
birthday, and we went to the market where the indigenous people all sell stuff
for really cheap. I got to run some errands with them and then I spent a lot of
time reading. On Sunday, I had the opportunity to go to my mama’s mama’s house
and the ENTIRE family was there. It was really hard because I didn’t know how
to communicate with them, so I didn’t know what else to do but withdraw and
just read some more! But I did eat dinner with everyone and helped out with
what I could and spend time with my mama.
All, that to say, even though my family is absolutely
wonderful, there have been challenges. I think culture shock has finally kicked
in. In the morning sometimes I wake up just wanting to cry for no reason. I
feel like such a hindrance sometimes because I have to keep asking them to
translate things for me and then they apologize to me for not knowing more
English! I’m the one that needs to be sorry for not knowing Spanish! I really
feel like giving up on Spanish- I’m never going to be able to communicate.
There’s way too much. They want me to start praying in Spanish and I don’t even
know if I can do that! I know I can’t give up though… it’s just hard! Sunday
was especially hard because I was really looking forward to going to a worship
night at the English speaking church because I missed everyone and I miss
worshiping in my own language. As I said, I love my family and I think I am
trying to get a good balance with spending time with them, others and doing my
homework, but it’s hard sometimes! They’re really great people which I am so
blessed for because it definitely makes the process a lot easier! This week has
felt a little long, but mostly because of my attitude. I just haven’t felt like
doing anything and I’ve been getting tired really easily and then dragging
myself out of bed in the morning. But I think things will definitely pick up
this week with Worldview soon and then the Galapagos and everything, which is a
good thing. (Or a bad thing, because I don't know if I really want it to start going fast!) We shall see! I know I just have to keep on choosing joy and
choosing to have peace and rest in God!
I’ve also realized how blessed I am to have such wonderful
friends. I was talking to one the other day when I was kinda feeling down in the
dumps because I was feeling pretty homesick and he just said something that I
have really taken to heart. He said, “Something I’ve been really thinking about
is how Jesus might want to use some of these isolated and stretching moments in
our home-stays to draw us closer to Him. He promises to be all we need, you
know? We’re not alone and we have opportunities to learn for Him to satisfy our
hearts. Easier said then done I know, but keep your head up!” And when I
replied that I was trying to have a good attitude he replied, “I wouldn’t doubt
that you’re trying to have a good attitude. In fact, I struggle to imagine you
doing anything differently than that. But don’t you think it’s more than just
an attitude thing? It’s not just ‘Okay, I believe God will be enough for me’
and then we go on to try and feel better. I try that a lot, and it usually
doesn’t work. And I’m not really sure how it works but I think more of a faith
thing. Stepping out on His promises and taking the time to rest in Him,
dependent that He will do what He says He will.”
Honestly, it kinda blew my mind. I mean, all this time I’ve
been trying and trying to just have a “good attitude” and I’ve found that it
really isn’t working! And that’s because it’s more of just a mask of everything
that’s really going on. It’s more just, “Wow, I’m struggling with this, but oh
well, I’m going to try and just be happy anyway!” I mean, it just doesn’t work
that way sometimes. It’s about truly stepping on His promises and taking the
time to rest in Him. To TRULY depend on Him, which is something I have
seriously been neglecting to do. I mean, all this time I have just been trying
do my best, do my best. Read every single word in every single book and do
every single assignment and get A’s in all my classes and learn as much as I
can. I want to be the best daughter and the best friend, and I want to do it
all. But I really can’t do ANYTHING if I’m not relying on the love of Christ. Sometimes
I really struggle because I believe that I’m really not that good at anything,
and I feel like I have to try SUPER hard at anything I do in order to just be
able to do it, let alone do it well. But in talking with my friends I realize
that it’s seriously not about me and what I’m able to do. It’s about how God
will be glorified and how HE will do great things through each and every one of
us if we let Him.And when I'm focusing so much on myself, I start missing all the opportunities God is giving me each and every day to share His love! I am so consumed in doing things my way, I don't see what God is trying to show me. Once I start focusing on Him, then all of those opportunities will start opening up, I only pray that I take them!
I can be pretty impatient with myself sometimes. I can be
pretty hard on myself. But I am just so blessed to have such encouraging
friends. I was talking to another one and she just said, “It’s okay to cry.
Sometimes crying alone is good. But I am so glad that the Holy Spirit sees what
you are going through. There is a rest somewhere in this for you and maybe God
is changing that definition of rest. It’s okay not to be joyful all the time.
Joy isn’t always an emotion, or even an attitude. It’s a choice of choosing to
hold Jesus’ hand through something. Even if you can’t always feel His hand
there.”
It’s just such a beautiful thing! I mean, we are all broken!
But we are all here for each other to remind each other of the awesome God we
have who has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit who is DWELLING INSIDE US to
give us joy, comfort and guidance!
I
just can’t say it enough. I am so blessed. So blessed to have friends who, when
I’m having a rough day will talk to me about anything and listen to me about
everything. When we are struggling with questions or just having a bum day,
they pass up precious sleep and homework time to talk. It’s just so encouraging
to know that people care.
I
mean, even tonight I was able to just go out to eat with some friends and watch
the soccer game and it felt so good.
I’m
doing a lot better this week. I am truly learning how to depend and rely on God
and experience even more joy inwardly, rather than just having a “good
attitude.” It’s not only an amazing feeling in the heart, but it’s something
that I know in my mind and in my soul.
God
is so good. God is so good. God is good, He’s so good to me.
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