this is my heartbeat song

Current song playing on repeat: My Heartbeat Song by Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly just gets it.

That has nothing to do with my blog post besides the fact that I am listening to that song on repeat as I type this. Don’t judge me, it’s a great song.

It’s been pretty much a full year since I graduated college. From the outside, it looks like my life is falling apart. I mean, what has happened in the past year? All my hopes and dreams fell apart, I am working “the dream job” where I dress up as an 18^th century colonial person every day and seat people at tables. I haven’t liked a guy in a super long time. Then I met someone that I actually really liked. And he lives all the way across the world. I had a mental breakdown because I couldn’t drop $3,000 to go see the tulips in Holland. As in, I literally went to my room and cried and then had to go drive around in my car and listen to music to calm me down. Because I couldn’t go see the tulips. It was pathetic. Oh, and I can’t make it to my best friend’s bridal shower (and I’m her maid of honor) because I’m too busy dressing up as a colonial person and seating people at tables.

Do you feel better about your life yet?

Yes, from the outside my life has fallen apart and been trampled on by dinosaurs. I’ve been depressed, I’ve felt selfish because I just want to do what I want to do but I can’t do anything I want.

But I’m happy.

I’m happy because I know in life it’s not about what I’m doing. It’s about how I’m doing it and who I’m doing it with. I’m happy because I am proud of where I am in life. No, I don’t know what I’m doing. My senior year of college and the many months after that was dedicated to a job that fell through and now I’m stuck wondering what exactly I want to do with my life. But that’s not what life is about.

To be honest with you, my ideal life wouldn’t be centered around a career. My ideal life would be traveling around, meeting new people and just working odd jobs. Once I get these loans paid off, that’s probably what I’ll end up doing.

A lot of people might think this is a waste of the four years I spent in college. But I don’t agree with that at all. Those four years in college made me who I am today and because of that it is worth every penny spent. I made friends that are priceless. My character was built and I feel that the education I received can be used in any path I choose. I learned how to write well and document life creatively. I learned about God and how to live life with purpose. Whatever path I choose from here, those skills and life lessons will be used.

I don’t base my choices on the fact that I got a college degree in Communications. My life does not center around that fact. I want to love people in any way I can. I want to get to know people and their stories. I want to work hard and be fine with being poor. Change the world in little ways. Work, but don’t center everything around my job. Travel the world and volunteer places and learn different cultures. Write as much as I can and talk to people in coffee shops. Mentor young adults and love the unloved. Cook meals for the entire neighborhood and listen to live music.

Life is not going as I planned it. I specifically remember thinking this after graduation last year. “Wow, I mean, everyone says they can’t plan life because it never goes as planned but so far, my plans have gone pretty well!”

Can someone say crash and burn?

Plans have never been my forte.

I figured I should write this post because

1.) I haven’t written in a while and I thought if I didn’t write something soon I would probably never write ever again. The last blog post I wrote was about going to South Africa and I just couldn’t bring myself to write another post talking about how I’m not going because I don’t know. But then I was like, hey. Bob Marley said not to worry about a thing because it’s going to be alright. So I took his advice. I think he’s right.

 2.) I have a lot of friends graduating this year and l just wanted to say to those friends, don’t get too wound up in the “what” are you doing. Focus more on how you do it and who you are doing it with. Those are the important parts.

Culture may be telling me that I am a failure. A college graduate living at home and not working in the field that she majored in.

What I have to say to culture? You can’t hold me down.