dealing with uncertainty

"I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability, limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy and creativity to name a few."

This quote rings true with many of us. Uncertainty may be one of the largest reasons people hold back. It is because of uncertainty that people don't follow their dreams. It is because of uncertainty that people don't tell people how they really feel. It is because of uncertainty that people put up walls and boundaries. It is because of uncertainty that people don't put their ideas out there. 

I am writing today not because I have some "cure" for uncertainty. Uncertainty will always be there and will always be a part of our every day lives. We will never be certain about the things we think we are certain about. In the back of our minds of everything we do, there is always that nagging thought that nothing is definite. There will be always a little bit of doubt in our minds that what we are doing is the wrong thing. 

I'm writing today because this uncertainty at times will control me. I live my life in the fear of uncertainty. I wake up and I say, "It's going to be a great day!" But then uncertainty crowds my minds with "what if" questions and telling me that I'll never be good enough to accomplish the things I need in order to succeed. I become unmotivated and depressed and instead of really trying at life, I find comfort in the cozy chair and watch endless amounts of Netflix. "It doesn't matter," I think. "If I'm not actually going to accomplish anything I should just skip all the strife and start doing where I'm going to end up. On this chair of failure and discontent." 

And among the attacks of uncertainty, we don't listen to the one thing we can be certain in. Christ's love. His whisper is in there if we choose to listen. 

I think we choose to listen to uncertainty because it is easier. It is easier to give up. It is easier to blame our circumstances on things that we don't know. It's easier for us to accept our failures and decide to live a mediocre life. 

If we actually listened to the voice we can be certain in, we would have no choice but to do something. When I hear the voice of Certainty it is saying, "I am certain in  your future. I am certain in your love, belonging, trust, joy and creativity. I am certain that I will be with you when things are bad and when things are good. I am certain that even when it's not OK, I will be taking care of you. I am certain that you will succeed if you follow me." 

Of course, it's not always easy to follow the voice of Certainty because it requires trust. But I would much rather trust in certainty of God's love than the destruction of uncertainty. 

I'm still going to be uncertain about my future. I'm still going to have doubts. But I will not let myself live in these things. Instead, I choose to listen to the voice of Certainty and I know that even when it's not OK, it is well. And instead of letting the loud thoughts destroy me, I will find peace in God's whisper. 




I would like to thank all that are supporting and praying for me in my process of support raising. There is a lot of uncertainty in this process, but it is because of people like you that remind me I can be certain that God is here. 

If you have any questions about my ministry vision and financial goals please email me at rpearson@twr.org. 

crisis averted

i recently had a crisis. not a crisis of faith or anything... just a crisis. I was struggling... in a weird way. I was struggling with the fact that I have never really struggled. 

I kept hearing all of these stories about how people find God in their lowest moments- in their rock bottom. There was some kind of climax in their lives that brought them confirmation and changed their lives. 

whether it was physical like a car accident or an addiction or something traumatic happened or God redirected their plans. or they had a crisis of doubt or thoughts of suicide... 
whatever it was, there was some kind of climax where in the end they found God and they were given a confirmation of where they needed to be and what they should do. 

now, I'm not calling me or my life perfect, but I've never had a climax. I've never hit rock bottom. I haven't made any massive mistakes. nothing traumatic has happened to me. I've even been following a plan for my life that God hasn't changed. 

i wasn't wishing anything bad on myself, and I wasn't wishing for a different story, I just wished I had something. some kind of confirmation that God is using me despite my lack of mistakes and that I'm where he wants me to be. 

everyone says that God's plan is better than my plans. so far, I've been following my plans- I think they're God's plans too, but how do you know? 

I just needed something. I know God is with me, yet I felt like I was walking the road alone. I had faith in God but I didn't have faith in my story. 

I felt like I was just coasting. I didn't know where I was in my own story. 

Lesson #4: We can't all be Pauls. Someone has to be Ananias. 

As the story goes, Paul has an extremely dramatic conversion story. Yet, he still needed Ananias to come, who maybe didn't have such a dramatic story. 

I had a great conversation with a wonderful friend of mine. She helped me realize that all of our stories are significant. Some of us have dramatic conversion stories but some of us need to be the ones to take the scales off their eyes. 

My grandmother has a beautiful conversion story because of a Christian woman who simply shared her story. Both characters are needed to create the story. 

As my lovely friend so wisely stated, "Life doesn't have to be one big life changing moment. More often it's a bunch of little ones that shape who you are as a person and Christian." 

We don't need miracle stories to tell us that God exists. The evidence is all around us! There's evidence in his breathtaking creation. In the mystery of love and amazing friendships. 

Jesus died on the cross for our rock bottoms and Jesus died on the cross so that everyone- even those NOT on rock bottom- could experience his grace in the fact that we are breathing. The fact that we can experience laughter and the enjoyment of doing something great. We are all here for the same purpose and all stories are needed to share the love of Christ to the world. 


And that brings me to my support team highlight of the week: Scott Lantis. 



            Scott surviving as the only guy intern all summer at TWR. 

Scott has an incredible story. I met him last summer as we were both interns at TWR. I cannot imagine that summer without him in it. I have never seen a man eat so many eggs for breakfast or so much chicken for lunch or bring so much laughter to a group. 

But even more than that, his passion for the Lord and for people (and America) was amazing. He inspired me that summer to grab onto something that I am passionate about and to follow it. Scott followed his passions and he is working for the Denver Broncos in Colorado. 

Scott's story is incredible because of how he lives for Christ. It has nothing to do with his circumstances, it has all to do with the way he loves God with all his heart, mind, body and soul. 

I am so glad to have this guy on my team. 


Thanks to all who are praying for and supporting me. If you have any questions about my ministry vision and financial goals, please don't hesitate to email me at rpearson@twr.org. 

Also, check out my ministry video to see what I'll be doing in South Africa! 

stories of a selfless narcissist

You know those moments when you're just sitting there and then suddenly someone says something and you feel like you've been hit with a baseball bat? A revelation hits you and in that one second, everything you ever thought about yourself is changed? 

I had one of those moments yesterday. And it starts with this confession. 

My name is Rachel Pearson, and I am a selfless narcissist. This confession coexists with this new lesson I have learned during the support raising process. What does it look like to be completely and truly selfless. 

I've always liked to think of myself as a selfless person. Someone who cares about other people and sincerely wants to put others before myself. 

But thinking myself as a selfless person and actually being a selfless person is not the same. Yesterday, I realized something about myself. Though I desire to be someone who follows the Philippians 2 version of being selfless... the slap-in-the-face revelation I had was that I am only a selfless person when I want to be. When it's convenient.  

In actuality, I am the most selfish, selfless person I know. 

Let me explain this contradiction. 

I love putting my friends above myself. I care so deeply for them that when I am around them, I can't help but trying to be completely and utterly selfless. I want them to be happy and I want to help them in any way I can. I love doing little acts of kindness for them and encouraging them when they need to be built up. When someone does something nice for me, I love sending them a nice handwritten note and putting in extra effort to help them feel loved. 

But what do I get in return? Well, they do the same for me. I can say with much gratitude, that I can always count on my friends to love me selflessly as well. They encourage me and build me up and return the kindness that I show. 

Am I really a selfless person if I am only putting these people above myself? What about others who may not give me anything in return? 

Philippians 2 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others..."

I must admit that my selflessness is actually motivated out of selfish ambition. I am only selfless around those I love and am loved in return. Jesus commands us to put all others above ourselves. This includes the people I don't love so much. The strangers. The people who annoy me. 

I can't be selfless around those I like and then gossip about the people I don't. This is not genuine selflessness. I will not settle to be a selfless narcissist. I want to have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 

"...who, being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!" 

And this leads me to my next support team highlight of the week: Joe D'Oliviera. 



               Ah, throwback to our ice skating days. 

Joe came on board my support team this past week and I couldn't ask for a better person to exemplify selflessness. 

I met Joe back in my Chick-Fil-A days and I am so grateful that we've been able to keep in touch. In everything he does, he always puts others first. Whether it is a good friend, a stranger or even someone he may not like very much, he is always second and the other is always first. I have learned so much from his humble attitude and his love for people. His big heart shines bright and I am very thankful to have his partnership as I walk on this journey. 

Thank you to all who are supporting and praying for me. 



If you are interested in learning more about my ministry vision and financial goals, please email me at rpearson@twr.org. 

Also, check out my ministry video to learn more about what' I'll be doing in South Africa!

open up your heart

We can all agree that life is hard. Sometimes life is hard even when it doesn't have to be. 

I'm 22... the prime age (or is it?). Ripe out of college, the possibilities are endless. 

So why are all my friends and I stuck in this rut where we find ourselves eating Chipotle burritos asking each other where the heck we're going. We're living at home, growing bitter attitudes at the fact we are enslaved to our college loans and not feeling good enough for the world. 

The stress is eating away at our souls as we eat away at fattening foods and wallow in the fact that our computers are too slow and we've ripped holes in our clothes. 

I wish I was being dramatic. 

But despite the fact that we are all in this in-between space of life, where we are not yet where we want to be because we don't exactly know where we want to be... we can't let this in-between stage stop us in our tracks. 

Lesson #2: Open up your heart and just let it begin. 

Each day is a new beginning... a new opportunity. Each morning that we awake, it doesn't have to be another day of feeling like a failure or another constant worry of where we'll be in the next few months. 

But our hearts must be open. 

My support team highlight of the week is Olivia Mendizabal. 

 
                  Me, Jasmyn and Olivia in Ecuador

I met Olivia when I studied abroad in Ecuador my Junior year of college. She is one of those people that have taught me what it looks like to have an open heart. 

Olivia has jumped on board my support team this week and I am so thankful for her friendship. Even though I haven't seen her since our departure (I will always have the memory of the two of us being stranded in the airport for hours awaiting our delayed plane!) she has still been able to keep in touch through small acts of kindness. Whether it was supporting me when I interned at TWR last summer, or sending a letter when I was working at camp this past summer, she has encouraged me in everything that I have done. 

I still have a little while before I head off to South Africa. There are many obstacles I have to jump over. Paying off loans and raising support is extremely intimidating. But my heart is open. And it's not only open to this process but it's open to the things that God has for me right now. 

I may be in this weird in-between stage, but that doesn't mean I am unimportant. It may seem like I have a unimportant job and that I should be ashamed of the fact I've moved back home. 

But this is not true. God uses you wherever you are and in this stage of life. As we work toward a future goal, we can still be used. God uses us when we purchase a coffee for the homeless friend we pass every day on the way to work. He uses us to be a light in the workplace. He uses us when we encourage a friend. 

Open up your heart and let it begin. 




If you'd like more information about my ministry vision and financial goals, please send me an email at rpearson@twr.org. 

And hey, look! A cool video about my ministry! Three minutes and learn what I'll be doing when I get to South Africa.