Freak Out.

So, as most of you know, I am getting ready to study abroad in Ecuador. September to December. In a different country. That doesn't speak my language. I've been excited up until this day... as the realization of the closeness of the change comes to mind. I am going through what they call a "freak out." I can't do this. I'm not going to learn the language. I'm not going to have friends. I'm going to get lost. I'm going to get sick. I'm going to struggle in my classes. I'm not going to do well at my internship. Something is going to go wrong. I'm going to miss my family and friends too much... The list goes on and on. But at the same time, I am so excited I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm going to experience a brand new culture and I am going to have the experience of a lifetime. How am I possibly supposed to prepare for this when I don't even know how to feel?

First off, I had to give myself a heart check. This trip is not just a trip where I will be studying and learning. I will be challenged and I will be serving. Not only will I be learning about missions, but we are actually going to be serving these people. We will be going on missions trips and helping with children... and we will be serving these people with ourselves. Everything we do will be a ministry. People will be watching us and they know who we are representing. And that's when I realized I needed a serious attitude check. I have been extremely selfish these past few weeks. (And actually, probably way longer than that...) I have been inwardly angry and confused at God for not providing for me. Like, WHAT?! I am now angry and confused at myself for having an attitude like this against God. How dare I. How dare I?! How dare I tell God that He is not providing for me, when I am blessed with wonderful family and friends, when I live in America with freedom, where I am never hungry or thirsty, where I am privileged to be going to a University that gives me a wonderful education, where I was blessed to be able to travel to Israel this summer and I now have the opportunity to spend an entire semester in Ecuador.

And I say He's not providing for me. Because I have some financial issues. Which is mostly my fault because I suck at saving money.

I am shocked at myself because I questioned what God's plan for my life is. I questioned whether I want to go into ministry. And you know, I still don't know exactly what God's plan for my life is. I'm still not sure whether He's calling me into ministry or if He has something else in mind. But I have no right to say that He's not providing for me because He didn't make me rich. That's not what following Him is about. Following God doesn't solve your problems. You don't get whatever you want just because you asked for it "in His name." You know, I had this vision of myself going to South Africa next summer for a Trans World Radio internship, but it probably won't happen because of financial reasons, BUT what it comes down to is, why did I want that internship? Did I want that internship because I wanted to be part of a ministry that served God? Or did I want that internship because I selfishly wanted to travel to a cool place and work at something awesome because I liked it for myself. When I really honestly and brutally think about it, it was probably the latter. I want to serve Him, not myself, and sometimes that means not doing everything I want, but doing what God wants. And when it's all said and done, what God wants me to do always ends up so much better and is always so much more rewarding.

God has provided so much for me in my life. And though I am nervous about spending an entire semester in Ecuador with people I don't know, I couldn't be more excited. Because I know that if I keep trusting in my Provider, He will lead me.

Who knows what will happen this semester. But I couldn't be happier to share yet another experience with you through this blog. I know God will be working in me and through me once again and He will be the one to overtake the selfish desires within me. In my life I only want to serve Him and share His love with the world. And when I do that, the desires of my life will be fulfilled.