Fear

Fear is a funny thing. Sometimes you don’t really know why you’re scared. It’s just… there. As I prepare to head back to school in less than a week, I realized that I’m scared. I’m scared of how things are going to be different. I know it won’t be the same that it was a year ago. I’m scared of not being able to fit in like I did before, that people will have moved on without me and I just won’t fit in their life anymore. I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle my new busy schedule. That I won’t be as good in my classes as I used to be. I’m not really sure why, but the fear is just there.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m super excited to go back. I’m so excited to see my friends who I miss so much. I’m excited for what this semester has to bring. I’ve never really been one to fear the unknown. To fear the future. “One day at a time!” as I always say. But I guess sometimes it’s inevitable.

It’s just a weird feeling sometimes. I mean, I really don’t feel ready to go back yet. I feel like I just got home. I want to stay here longer. I want to just relax and not have to work and spend time with family and friends here. At the same time, I can’t wait to go back to JBU because it’s just been too long since I’ve been there. I want to see my friends. And then at the same time I am missing Ecuador like crazy. I miss all the friends that I’ve made there. Everything reminds me of something. Of someone. And just having all these emotions at the same time and a longing for a different place is driving me crazy! Sometimes, despite my spontaneous personality and my longing for travel and to explore, just sometimes I wish for a place of permanency. Somewhere that I can call home. I mean, I know that I always have a home here in New Jersey with my family.  But somewhere I can call a place of my very own sounds kinda nice. Somewhere… where that even when I travel and explore, I know there is a place that I can always go back to. Just… home. Not constantly going back and forth going here and there. I know it’ll come and I will be patient for that, it’s just hard sometimes.

I am excited for all the opportunities life has given me. I love that I have grown up in New Jersey and going to college in Arkansas. I love that I got to visit Israel and study in Ecuador. I love that I will be spending two months in North Carolina interning at Trans World Radio. I love exploring new things and learning and going through new challenges. I just wish there was something constant in my life.

And that’s when it hit me. I do have something constant in my life. And that thing is love. I must admit, sometimes I’m not the best at showing love. In fact, I think I’ve probably been going through some reverse culture shock as I have not been doing much. Mostly just been locking myself in my room so that I can watch reruns of Gilmore Girls. And I know that’s not always the best thing to be doing. But something that I can always rely on is even when I’m not the best at showing love is I always have someone showing love to me. My family never gives up on me. I have good friends who will never leave me. I have friends who live miles away who care about me.

But most of all, amidst all the change, I have a God who is always constant. As I said before, things can be scary. And I guess I’ve just been feeling so many emotions lately, my mind has chosen fear to cling to. But I don’t have to be afraid because thank goodness, my God isn’t like that. My God always loves. He will never leave. He will never give up. He always cares. And that’s something that I can always count on. Fear is a choice. I don’t need to choose fear, but I can always choose joy. I can always choose joy for a God who never changes. He will always be guiding me. He is the light in the darkness. And it is because of His love that I can receive love from others. It is because of His love that I can love in return.

So, as the Christmas season is ending and the New Year is beginning, let’s give a toast to the One who has no beginning or end because He has always been there and He always will be. Because He alone is constant. He alone can take our fears and bring light to a life that is wandering.

Returning Home

Well, now that I’m home I realized there is so much that I haven’t yet said, so much that I have learned that I can now take home with me. Things I have learned in my classes and through the many experiences I had while in Ecuador. I made so many new relationships, saw so many wonderful things and had so many wonderful adventures.

One that I do want to share with you specifically was my trip to the Amazon Jungle. We spent almost a week in the jungle this second time around. I got a million bug bites, my foot swelled up like a 8 month pregnant woman and ate something that destroyed my insides. But all my experiences were worth all of those things. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to work and serve with these amazing missionaries and children.

We left on a Wednesday morning after breakfast and ate lunch on the road and ate dinner and got settled in. We watched some people jump off the bridge, hung out on the beach, and got prepared for our lessons the next day.

Thursday morning after breakfast we took our first canoe ride to Pusuno. I loved it! It did hurt my butt after a while but I really enjoyed being able to relax and explore the river and the nature around it. It was a beautiful ride. J

When we first got there the kids were super shy. A little understandable since there were more of us than them! But we did some ice breakers and paired off into buddies. My buddy was Henry and it’s just so amazing how instantly you can fall in love. We had an English lesson, played some games. I read the story of the feeding of the 5,000 (disastrously in Spanish!) and had some bread and made noodle necklaces before finishing up with some more games. It’s crazy because someone commented that they would probably eat those noodles for dinner that night and it hit me that man, I use food for crafts when these kids are probably excited to eat it! We found out that for breakfast they may have a little bread and for lunch maybe they would have a piece of fruit if they could find one and then rice for dinner. That’s it! They have no shoes and they only have school uniforms because the government provides them. It breaks my heart. There is one teacher who is a Christian and is a total sweetie. She has an extremely challenging job and is so amazing.

We went back to the hostal for lunch and a break before heading to Antioch to work with the teens there. We played lots of games and some of the team shared their testimonies. The teens there struggle with purity so the testimonies were very powerful.

Friday morning we went back to Pusuno for our same activities of English, games, message, and crafts. Our theme for the day was being made in God’s image. It’s such an important message for these kids to know that they are special and created by God.

After lunch and break we went back to Antioch for the same. One girl on our team gave a beautiful testimony about purity and restoration.

I loved hanging out with everyone at dinner. Tyler, one of the math teachers at Antioch, he’s a super cool guy, he came to dinner and said, “I love having meaningless conversation!” It was great that we could even provide that… it does get lonely for him sometimes.

On Saturday and Sunday morning we went to Antioch to help them with construction on the school. We built shelves and tables. Two other girls and I were on painting crew! So while we waited for the shelves and tables to be ready to paint we scraped the school to be repainted. Loved my team! I loved being able to serve them in any way.

On Saturday afternoon we played a bunch of games with the Antioch teens. We played some ultimate Frisbee and then some of us played soccer. I hung out with three of the girls. They are such wonderful kids and I absolutely loved getting to know them more. They’re so much fun! I mean, I got them to dance the chicken dance on the sidelines and all kinds of crazy stuff! They’re so great and I’m so glad I got to meet them.

On Sunday afternoon we went to the AmaZOOnica and got to see some pretty sweet Ecuadorian animals. It was super hot, but fun! That night we got to spend one last night with the Antioch kids at church. We worshipped together and said our goodbyes and ended with an absolutely stunning view of the stars.

We hung out one last time walking on the bridge and the beach before preparing to leave Monday morning. It was incredible. I wouldn’t want to live there, but I am grateful that I got to be there for that period of time.

“Jungle Kids for Christ” is an amazing ministry and the missionaries there are so passionate about what they do and have made a difference in so many children’s lives.

They have impacted the way I think about the future and have truly shown me what it means to trust God and know He has a perfect plan for us if we follow it.

Now, being home, it’s hard for me to go back to the way things were. I mean, I just had the most expensive dinner I’ve had in months the other night and as I was eating I just thought, this one meal could buy at least two weeks worth of lunches for the kids in Pusuno. It has really made me want to live more simply, and I know for me that is going to be a challenge. As many of you who know me, you know that I am not good at handling money. I am a big spender and I spend it on useless things. I love going out to eat and buying movies and having fun but at the end of the day,  I know that I need to learn to live more simply and as I do to remember kids such as the ones in the jungle and be praying for them. As a group we have committed to each giving 10 dollars a month so that these kids can eat lunch every day and have school supplies for the year. It’s amazing that something so small can make such a big difference and it’s something I need to be praying about to change my heart.

Being back home has also made me think about how things are going to change. I mean, I want to go back to my normal life, but in my heart, I know that things aren’t the same. When I go back to school there will be new people and new things and all of my friends will have experienced an entire semester that I wasn’t a part of. It’s going to take me being an initiator. And again, those who know me know that I am definitely not an initiator. But I want to challenge myself to be dedicated to my relationship with God and to my relationships with my family and friends by being the one to reach out. I’m not sure what that’s going to look like, but I desire to pour myself into the relationships that I have with a selfless love.

I don’t know how reverse culture shock is going to entirely affect me. I mean, I’ve been doing ok for these first few days. Little things remind me of everything. About all the laughs, the conversations and the adventures I had with everyone in Ecuador. And I’m so glad that I can have those memories. I’m filled with joy that I have gotten to meet the people I have and had the opportunities that I had. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

It’s a little bit hard. Being with people for 100 days or so every day and then knowing that we all may never be back together again. Being back here has also brought back insecurities that I hadn’t worried about in Ecuador but being back in this environment brings back a lot of comfort… and in that comfort it brings the insecurities that I naturally dealt with.

But with the good and the bad, I know that God is good. God is with me and He will guide me. He will bring me through the meadows and He will bring me through the desert. If I’ve learned anything this semester I know that God’s will for my life is simple. It is to love His people. God will always be with me and that brings me such joy. People ask me why I am so joyful and the only thing that I can say is that it is God. God fills me with His joy. His love is that powerful. And I know that God’s will for my life is to spread that same love and joy that He fills me with. How that looks like? I still don’t know. But what I do know, is that it’s ok. Because I know God’s promises. And because of that I can walk through this life unknowingly with confidence because God is good. And all things will work together for good for those who love the Lord.